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Equipoise

e·qui·poise

an equal distribution of weight; even balance; equilibrium.
Definition courtesy of Dictionary.com
 
The usual feeling here is that masses are in balance. There is a steroid by this name, but let me say that the term is not related to the drug in my mind. I am currently is a position of equipoise – but this is no place of happiness. Rather, the masses in balance seem to block my every move.
 
My books are doing the worst thing possible – sitting in the hands of agents, or not. I can’t tell if I will have an agent – or do I jut resign myself to knowing that there is no way, given my legendary ineptitude at marketing, that my work will bring me anything but frustration? Will I give up on writing the way I gave up on music – without an audience, I had no motivation to write?
 
I am waiting for my first assignment as an editor with a new publishing house. What do I do? I know that any book I touch will improve because I sink my teeth into it, but I need a client in order to get paid. 
 
I had a sales job, but the company reorganized – I’m not sure what I have tto sell. My final way of making money these days is as a “shomer,” that is, someone who sits with dead people before their funerals and reads psalms and such throughout the night. Well, people have to pay for that, and if the funeral home that I work with doesn;t have anyone whose families want to pay to have someone do that, the decedent sits on ice with no one keeping the soul company.
 
It can be a dismal life, this work as a writer. Equipoise. Like a bodybuilder who has dosed on the drug for too long, I just can’t move.
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About Ronald FIschman

I am a public school teacher who had a prior career as a cantor, opera singer, and composer. My greatest notoriety comes from my settings of Dylan Thomas's "Vision and Prayer" and Percy Byssshe Shelley's "Ozymandias" for singers and large instrumental ensemble. My first poetry collection, "Generations," honors the roles of son, husband, and father, and is available at Amazon.com.

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